In the past few months that I have been alone and without a boyfriend or close friendship I have realized something. I always knew I was an introvert, but I don't believe I ever realized just how much so. I have not been alone in 3 years, and now 20 years old and I am just starting to find myself. I have known for long now that time alone is VITAL for me. Lately I have been talking to friends less and less, and retreating to my room to be alone. But I am not sad! I am filled with joy, nothing fuels me like time alone. Whether I am in the garden photographing butterflies, in my room listening to music, painting, flipping through art books and fairytales, it is so close to this peaceful feeling that I want to attain. But I cannot shake this slight feeling of guilt, guilt for not being sociable. I do not want people to think that I do not like them, it is just that my time is so valuable to me. Spending too much time with others exhausts me. I cannot explain it. I know that I am not bad for needing to be alone, yet I feel like I am.
All I know is that without time alone I cannot create, or be inspired/ motivated enough to do anything.
I want to learn how to accept myself for having reclusive tendencies, and how to balance it with friendship. Where is the happy medium? I do not want to find myself all alone in the end. Really I do have the (perhaps naive?) dream of finding a man to be my companion, perhaps marry and have children. I want love, I do not really desire to spend my life in solitude.
I guess I just need to make friends with people who enjoy being alone as well. And one day, if he ever comes.....prince charming will have to be rather independent and full of passions like I am. That way we can both go off and do our thing, but always come back feeling energized and ready to share.
Does anyone else feel this way? I know it's not just me.
-Kamille
dear dear kamille, i am so glad that i have come across your wonderful blog!
ReplyDeletei can relate to alot of the things you wrote here. about the joys of being alone behind the closed doors of your bedroom, where you can breathe steadily and dream without being interrupted. most of the time, i prefer the company of literature and beautiful pictures rather than most of the human population here....
but then again, their company are healthy from time to time. in the end, i always find it difficult to relate to them, and i agree with you that American society does put a lot of pressure on people to live a more extroverted lifestyle.
also, i know what you mean about solitude not being a mere WANT, but a necessity! i've become very depressed and sick throughout my life without having that periodic solitude. i suppose it takes a bit of time to find companions that could respect and understand that. i'm lucky to have found friends who could, at least. there is alot of people in this world, and i'm sure, one day, you'd find that perfect prince charming who could, as well. :-)
he is looking for you, and shall untangle his sleeping princess from the thorny vines of her nest :-)
ps: i wanted to let you know that i adore that "this abyss" piece. you have a way with lines and colors, that makes them so expressive, and full of emotion that i can almost feel my heart aching.
ReplyDeletethis piece is very haunting, yet irresistible;peaceful, and gravitates the audience to another world. She looks lonely, yet content where she is.
It really feels good to know that other people feel the same way. Sometimes it is so easy to get caught up in the idea that I am weird. Well, maybe I am weird but I guess we all are in secret ways.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you have found friends who mesh well with your personality. I wish my college had a club for introverts although that sounds a little contradictory.
I do have a lot of hope! And I really am feeling better than ever as I finally am learning how to take time for myself and not feel guilty over it.
Thank you for reading my words and responding!
I am glad you like my painting! I made it during class one day in highschool when I was feeling very sad. It is funny how negative emotions seem to yield some of the most poignant art.