Forget me

You trap me in a cage
I go with you
I have
No choice
You fashion me a prison
Made from my own hair
Locks
Locked and strangled
Open only for one key
Made of
Your Teeth

Roses and Orchids, stuck in the past?

Here are two painting I finished recently. They are called "Rose" and "Orchid", both oil on canvas.

I included these paintings, along with "Two Sisters", "Drifting" "Ophelia" and another one I did not photograph yet in this jury at my school to get into a prestigious class called senior painting studio. It is great because you get your own studio, 6 credits (equivalent of 2 studio classes!) and personal time with two professors who visit you twice a week each.

Well, I did not get in. Out of 20 spaces I did not get in and I am pissed. Not because I think my art is the best in the world or greater than those who did get in, but because I have worked so hard and know I deserve it, while there are people who got in that I KNOW do their work the night before it is due and they get way with it because their work is abstract... And I know this because I spend hours and hours at school outside of class working on something for weeks, something it takes these people one night to do.

The reason they gave me for not getting in was that my work is "too much in the past" and not relateable to our time. Some of the professors on the jury told me I should give up completely and that I will never make it in the "art world" if I continue this way.

What the hell. What about the pre-raphaelites, what about neo-classicism, what about the work of Shakespeare, what about Opera? Many or these artists and artforms dealt with the past and with fantasy elements. They are highly regarded amoung many...Besides, I don't care about today, yes I live in reality the 21st century but does that mean I have to paint about it? I don't want to, I want to paint the reality that resides in my dreams and my fantasies. Maybe that is escapist, but so what?

I am so angry. I am such a fool for going to an art school where abstract art is in favor...And as mad as I might seem I am really heartbroken. I put so much on this, I have been working so hard keeping this goal always in mind and to know that the reason I was not accepted is not that I have a bad work ethic or can't paint, but because of my subject matter- its hard to not be hurt. I paint what I am passionate about, what interests me what captivates me and these people think it is crap and that I need to stop it?

Well I am not going to stop it. As far as I am concerned, I would never pick up a paintbrush again before painting things I have no passion for.

I am trying to be positive and be strong, but I can't help but feel bitter whenever I see the (last minute) people who got in and the professors who rejected me. I know I need to get over it, if I want to be an artist I have to learn how to accept rejection- it just sucks to know I don't have the support of the majority of my department.

I just want to get the hell out of this school. I am sick and tired of playing their games and now that I know this I have no incentive whatsoever to impress any of these teachers. I am going to do whatever I please, and only listen to the teachers whose work I respect. There are only two in the entire department whose work I admire anyway...the rest are primarily abstract artist who can't even teach me how to properly draw the human figure. Don't get me wrong, I don't think abstract art is crap but it is usually not my thing. I guess my art isn't these peoples thing either so WHATEVER

I'm not going to stop!

I can't figure out how to make this post not underlined, sorry!

Two Sisters

Once upon a time

There were two sisters

Twins

Identical in many ways

they loved to sing loved to dance

loved to explore the outdoors together

They loved one another very much

One day they both fell ill

It started with a cough, they were put to bed

But soon blood began to spill

from their mouths onto their open hands

staining their white gowns red

In desperation, their parents sought

A cure for their beloved twins

But no cure could be found

only a few feeble suggestions

It was said that perhaps the airs of the mountains

would do a world of good for the

Young one’s lungs

But also they heard that the airs of the forests

rich with the breath of plants

might be the only place to heal the girls

Unsure of what to do

they decided with heavy hearts

To send one girl to each place, in hopes of a cure

The girls had to part

Neither found health in mountains nor forests

they continued growing weaker

longing for the comfort of each other,

the sisters spent a great deal of time outdoors

as they had when they were

always together

One day

the same day

each sister ventured out and came to a lake

one was cold with patches of ice

the other warm and covered in plants

they both looked in

and gazed at their sisters face in the water

So happy to see one another

they leaned closer

and so weakened by their sickness

they fell

Water covered them, slowly creeping over their faces

Water filled their lungs

They died in peace

a faint smile on their lips

and a glint of life

captured in water

reflected in their eyes

Later when their parents were asked to identify the bodies

neither could say which girl was which

These are the paintings I had up for crit when my teacher told me I loved "beautiful corpses" hehe. I wrote this story after I painted them. I am taking Poetry class right now to fulfill a writing intensive requirement. We have to write a poem a week and are reading a lot of poetry. I have been so inspired by some of the poems our teacher has us read. Recently we read "The Book of Frank", by CA Conrad, a local poet. They are very weird, disturbing, funny, and sad. I just LOVE this book. It inspired me so much, and I have been writing quite a lot lately. I think Conrad has given me the courage to write freely and not worry about things sounding silly or strange. The funniest thing, Conrad grew up close to where I live in the country and used to sell flowers on the highway exit where I get off every time I drive home from school. I want to meet him someday, go to a reading, he is in NY right now but hopefully he comes back soon. Here are some of his poems from The Book of Frank I wanted to share;

"Frank makes

sores on

the wall

with a

hammer

he kisses them

strokes them

"I'm sorry!" he

says "I'm sorry!"

"Frank knows a
butterfly
who wonders
about her old
caterpillar
friends"

"May
flowers
Frank shuts
his legs
but
music
seeps
through"

Only a few of so many good ones, there are longer ones too. If you are interested here is his blog, http://caconrad.blogspot.com/

Beautiful Corpses

Here are two paintings "Drifting" and "Ophelia", I started another Ophelia painting but it needs a little more work.

Today my teacher turned to me during critique and declared in front of everyone "You just love beautiful corpses don't you?". I had never quite put it that way in my mind, but I nodded in complete agreement and admitted that I was coming to that realization. It actually made me kind of happy to hear him say that. For a while now I have been battling these conflicting styles and subject matters within my mind. I love fairies, beauty, flowers, and I love blood, decay, melancholic themes. I guess all of them are romantic in a way. Well, this semester I have finally realized that there is no need to separate my interests, why not just paint "beautiful corpses"?

I like this! I am happy with it, I'm finally alright. I do not care anymore what people think of me at school, and since I came to terms with that I have been painting painting painting what I WANT TO PAINT. I used to be so scared that if I painted "fantasy" "romantic" or "gothic" themes that people would call my work cliche and silly, so I tried to conform the best I could to what I thought would not get me ripped apart by professors and students. I don't know what happened though, it was sometime a few months ago. I just decided you know what, I am going to do my own version of Ophelia because I want to and I don't care that it has been done before or that it is a cliche. So I did it for my first painting crit, and to my utter shock no one said anything bad, people really liked it! I was so surprised...and then I started doing more and more paintings of what I wanted and more and more people gave me compliments and wanted to talk to me about my work.

Now I know that no matter what, the most important thing is to stay true to myself and paint what I am passionate about, regardless of my fears. I have learned that in the end, people respect you much more when you confident in your ideas and passionate about them.

I wish I could go back in time and told my 17 year old freshman self all of this, but I am so glad I have finally learned. From now on I am making a promise to myself to never, ever betray my heart again when it comes to art.

Etsy Finally!

I just wanted to announce that I finally have an Etsy store! I already made two sales and I am so excited about it. It just gives me a lot of hope. My dream really is to one day make a living at my art and this is so much encouragement! I feel like I am finally on the right track.

Here are some new necklaces I made! As you can see I'm kind of obsessed with Edgar Allan Poe. I am working on an Emily Dickinson necklace right now, and a Marry Shelly one. It's really a fun pastime, and if I could made some extra money that is just a fabulous bonus!

My plan is to graduate school and then getting whatever job I can and then making jewelry and paintings in my free time and sell them. Eventually I want to go to craft fairs too. My dream is that the full-time job will turn to half time, and that ultimately I can just be fully self-employed. That would be a dream come true!

Visit my store here :)

Melancholia and Monoprints

I feel very sad today and I am not completely sure why. Sometimes when I think about the future it makes me feel hopeless, and sometimes it makes me feel hope. It is such a contradiction.

I really want to draw or paint but I keep putting it off. It's so hard to make things come out right lately. I guess that is why I have been spending all my time making jewelry. It is new and fun and captures my mind so I don't think about sad things. Today I didn't feel like making it though, so I layed on the floor (because the couch is covered in jewelry supplies) and watcher "Hoarders" which always depressed me so I don't know why I do it! There was this old man who had 2 acres filled with crap and his house was so stuffed he had to live in a trailer and used a refrigerator that didn't work and had maggots all over his food and medication. The man was not very nice and going senile and he was quite alone because of being so not nice. Well I don't care if he's a scrooge, people need other to help them when being old. I feel like no one should have to be alone, but I guess we make our life situations.

It made me think about my grandpa (he isn't a scrooge at all like that man) but he is old, actually a lot older. 91. He is in the hospital right now because his legs have sores which are infected because his heart cannot get enough down there to heal it properly and of course he is retaining all this water his heart can't pump. When I came home from Rome I quickly realized that he could not be spending most of his day alone. I've been making sure he takes his medicine now and cooking for him but when I leave for school again we need to have a nurse to come every day. It's just one of those things that makes me sad, that life changes always. Just when you think you have settled in something changes. People come and they go and that is why I know I have to be okay myself on the inside because you can never guarantee that anyone will always be beside you.


School starts soon again and I don't feel ready. I don't know if I can handle putting as much pressure on myself this time as I did in Rome. I feel like I need to live a little. I have been spending a lot more time with friends and it has been so fun. This weekend we spent 3 days in AC having an out of control but hilarious and so much fun bachelorette party for my friend. Now I am home and its like oh yeah real life . I was having so much fun there and not thinking about anything. I was stupid though and dropped my phone in a toilet and ruined it and lost all my contacts, including this man I met who went to the same art school I go to. I really liked him.


There is so much I want to say but I know this blog isn't a secret. I wonder if it matters anyway? I don't know how some people spill there guts on their blogs, that is what I really want to do but too paranoid.

These are not really monoprints, only the one on the very bottom. The top is an etching and the middle is an aquatint. I really fell in love with printmaking this semester! It really is a love hate relationship though. I adore the results and making the picture, but I HATE the process.

when in Rome...

So I have been living in Rome for 2 and a half months now, and have not said a word. I have been so busy, I hardly have time for the computer anymore. I feel like I am always going going going. Working on things for school, running around for on site classes. When I have free time that is when I do my wash, grocery shop, or clean my apartment! There is nearly no time to just sit around, I spend almost every waking hour at school, if not in class then in my studio.

This is not a complaint, this is just what it really is like for me right now. I do love it here, and feel that studying abroad is one of the best, and most important choices I have ever made. I have seen so many things I could only have dreamed of. Just the other day I was sitting in the Pantheon drawing and reflecting upon Raphael's tomb (he is buried there) and I could not even believe it. Seriously, am I really sitting next to the bones of one of the greatest masters of painting and sitting in this infamous building that has inspired so many for ages? Sometimes I have to step back for a moment and pinch myself, otherwise I just float along and seem to forget where I am.

I have made a lot of friends here and I am so thankful for that! It makes me feel not so alone and weird, I am gaining more confidence and more and more hope. I feel I am starting to come out of my shell, but still I have not completely shed it. I usually feel fine when I am just among a few people that I know, but put me into a large group of people, especially people I do not know well and I feel myself curling up inside and wanting to get away. I really wish I could shake this old habit of feeling. I don't know why people frighten me so much! It is really stupid, I know that. I think that the more I put myself out there, the more I will see that I can be accepted and am not strange. I can't really explain why my default feeling is that of an outsider.

Lately I have been struggling again with feeling of inadequacy when it comes to my artwork, being in art school does that! I never feel totally confident in critiques, but I am starting to just accept the fact that my work is never going to be seen as "good enough" for the fine art world, and whatever...I don't really care. I just do what speaks to me, express what I want to express. I am feeling more and more that my art is just for me. I can't do things just because I think it is what people want. It just gets discouraging sometimes. I feel like so many people at my school thing of things conceptually, and the majority of people in my school are working with abstract art. ugh.

Anyway, now it sounds like this entry is just for the purpose of complaining. But really, I am righting this to center myself for a moment, something I have not had the chance to do often here.

Here is some art I have been making! There is so much more, it will just take a while to photograph and scan. The top picture is my drawing class.