when in Rome...

So I have been living in Rome for 2 and a half months now, and have not said a word. I have been so busy, I hardly have time for the computer anymore. I feel like I am always going going going. Working on things for school, running around for on site classes. When I have free time that is when I do my wash, grocery shop, or clean my apartment! There is nearly no time to just sit around, I spend almost every waking hour at school, if not in class then in my studio.

This is not a complaint, this is just what it really is like for me right now. I do love it here, and feel that studying abroad is one of the best, and most important choices I have ever made. I have seen so many things I could only have dreamed of. Just the other day I was sitting in the Pantheon drawing and reflecting upon Raphael's tomb (he is buried there) and I could not even believe it. Seriously, am I really sitting next to the bones of one of the greatest masters of painting and sitting in this infamous building that has inspired so many for ages? Sometimes I have to step back for a moment and pinch myself, otherwise I just float along and seem to forget where I am.

I have made a lot of friends here and I am so thankful for that! It makes me feel not so alone and weird, I am gaining more confidence and more and more hope. I feel I am starting to come out of my shell, but still I have not completely shed it. I usually feel fine when I am just among a few people that I know, but put me into a large group of people, especially people I do not know well and I feel myself curling up inside and wanting to get away. I really wish I could shake this old habit of feeling. I don't know why people frighten me so much! It is really stupid, I know that. I think that the more I put myself out there, the more I will see that I can be accepted and am not strange. I can't really explain why my default feeling is that of an outsider.

Lately I have been struggling again with feeling of inadequacy when it comes to my artwork, being in art school does that! I never feel totally confident in critiques, but I am starting to just accept the fact that my work is never going to be seen as "good enough" for the fine art world, and whatever...I don't really care. I just do what speaks to me, express what I want to express. I am feeling more and more that my art is just for me. I can't do things just because I think it is what people want. It just gets discouraging sometimes. I feel like so many people at my school thing of things conceptually, and the majority of people in my school are working with abstract art. ugh.

Anyway, now it sounds like this entry is just for the purpose of complaining. But really, I am righting this to center myself for a moment, something I have not had the chance to do often here.

Here is some art I have been making! There is so much more, it will just take a while to photograph and scan. The top picture is my drawing class.

Arrivederci!

Tonight will be my last night at home and in my bed for 3 and a half months. Tomorrow my plane is leaving at 6:10pm and then I arrive at Italy at 8:45am the following day.

I would be lying if I did not say I was scared, but I am SO excited as well.

It has been ridiculous trying to shuffle around all my stuff to get it to fit into all the suitcases without going over the 50 pound limit!

I made a really tough decision that I will not be taking my jewelry supplies with me, it just takes up WAY TOO MUCH weight! This is sad, but on the flip side I am going to bring a lite pad of bristol board instead and some watercolors and pencils and make my main focus on that form of creativity. Of course I will have my camera as well and that is going to be loads of fun!

I will miss my jewelry, but at least I know that when I come home for winter break I will have all my supplies waiting for me and many ideas to get started on.

I bought a nice little sketchbook and I am going to carry it with me all the time and just write and sketch and collect things in it, all from Rome and whatever places I may visit in Europe.

I am so excited! Very nervous though. I think once I find my apartment there, and am safe inside, I will feel so much better.

This is a new chapter of my life beginning! Wish me luck :D

New Jewels

Here are two new handmade necklaces. "Young Marie" and "All Is Vanity"

The first one features a Marie Antoinette as a child and the second features the print "All is Vanity" by Charles Allan Gilbert http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Allisvanity.jpg it is my favorite optical illusion!

I am having so much fun making jewelry and I have finally decided to open an etsy shop.

I want to open it right now, but the only thing holding me back is that I can't seem to come up with a good name for it. I don't want the name to be boring, but I also don't want it to be so weird that no one will associate it with me. hmmm...I will have to figure this out soon! I want to open the shop before I leave for Rome.

I am planning on leaving my stuff here with my mother and she will send things off if people buy while I am in Rome.

Anyway, today was a great day! I spent the day with two friends from highschool and we spent the day shopping, out to dinner, and then saw the movie "Vampires Suck". It was pretty stupid but there were some parts where I really cracked up.

I love vampires, but not Twilight vampires! I wish Anne Rice had gotten as popular as Stephanie Meyer...Interview With The Vampire is one of my favorite movies and books :)

Faces in the Light

I am very excited to announce my first commissioned book-cover, for the book "Faces in the Light" by Steven Hagy. Please visit his page http://stevenhagy.com/new_book_faces_in_the_light

Mr. Hagy found my work on deviantart and contacted me about doing a cover for him.

This process has really given me a lot of hope and encouragement that maybe it is possible for me to make money off of my art, whether is be photography, painting, or jewelry.

I remember going off to art school, excited and full of all kinds of expectations and certainty that I would graduate in 4 years and then be able to have a career in the field. Well, as the years have dragged on I have grown less and less enthused and more pessimistic about my future job possibilities. I kind off accepted the "fact" that me going to artschool was just bs and almost a mistake. I would graduate and probably be a cleaning lady with a bachelors in fine arts.

Well I still don't think I am going to graduate and land an art job, but I am starting to discover that it is possible to make some money, and art is something that I will always be able to do on the side of whatever job I do end up with.

I really do need to open an etsy account or go to a craft fair or something. I just don't put myself out there at all. That's why this bookcover and Mr. Hagy's interest in my work has really brightened my spirits. As I floated along trying to get through art school with my negative attitude, he happened upon my work on deviantart and contacted me. That means a lot. Someone likes what I do enough to have it represent their own book and art.

It is 2 am and I am really blabbing on but I guess that is what this blog is for.

To make a long story short, I am happy about this and have hope. Thank you Mr. Hagy!

I will keep making things and try to get myself out into the world, even if it is just by internet.

p.s. I have nothing against cleaning ladies, I have been cleaning every summer for 4 years. I just wish it paid more.

Nevermore Necklace

To my favorite poet!

I have been wanting to make jewelry for years now, but all I've been doing is collecting beads and chain.

Well this summer I finally got around to making something, this is my first complete necklace.

I made the pendent out of polymer clay, and then decoupaged an image of Poe onto it. Then I covered it in resin and varnished it. The chain is new but "antiqued", and the black beads are from a broken 1920's necklace. The purple beads are from Micheal's :)

I am discovering that jewelry is a lot of fun to make, and the perfect thing to do when I get home from work and am too tired to go all out with painting and drawing. It is a nice thing you can do on the couch watching movies or listening to music.

I am trying to make a little stockpile of jewelry, and then I intend to make an etsy shop. I think it might be a good way to make a little extra money off of something that is fun and relaxing to do.

I do love to paint, but it requires so much more thought and commitment...

I think I burned myself out for a while!

A little Hope

I just got back from seeing Eat Pray Love. I've got to say I really didn't want to see it but went with my mother because she really wanted me to. Well, I am so glad that I did. It might be cliche or whatever, but really truly I feel this movie sent a fantastic and very real message.

I am going to be leaving in 3 weeks to study abroad for a semester in Rome. The woman in this movie began her journey to find herself in Rome.

This summer I have really begun that journey, the idea of finding myself and growing into adulthood. Just like her, I feel I have been extremely stunted by men/relationships. From my first boyfriend onward I was never alone. That was 3 years ago, I am 20 now but really feel I am still 17. It's because I have not had the chance to explore myself as a singular person. I am so overjoyed that I have finally learned my hard lesson that you cannot find yourself through another human being. I need time alone, time to search for who I am. I need to define myself as Kamille. Not Kamille who is dating so and so and thinks what he thinks. I am so DONE with letting others dictate what I should feel and beleive.

For the first time in 3 years I am finally feeling hope, I am once again beginning to feel a slight presence of God around me. I always knew it was there, but lost sight of it and really was made to question everything. I do not really know much, but I do know there is something beyond our realm. There is a light and peace that exists when you can really let go and trust that there is someone there, something beyond yourself.

The best part of this movie was that she was able to find her balance, and when love come to her she was afraid, but ready to take the plunge. I know I am far from the point of love, but I am so grateful that I am on the path to balance. I know that when I am ready everything will fall into place. It has to! As long I not loose sight of hope, and never forget the things in life that do bring me joy.

For the first time in years I can honestly say I am no longer depressed. I finally am beginning to believe that I do not have to carry that illness with me forever.

I have been working on a lot of jewelry lately, I hope to take some pictures to put on here soon!

The Gray Prince

Here is that other painting I was working on while I finished up The Beauty and the Beast.

I think it is really interesting to see how my style has changed over the years when I compare this to a painting one that I did nearly 4 years ago.

That is something I am sort of grappling with right now, this idea of finding your style. I do not think I have found a certain style that I am willing to stick to. I love painting realistically, but I also love painting more emotionally which ends up leaning towards a more stylized/cartoonish feel.

I think that art school puts a lot of pressure on students to find their style and have it established by the time they graduate. Even though I am a senior, I feel no where near ready to limit myself to any one style.

I think that I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself to conform to the ideas that many of the professors and students put forth in my classes. What I want more than anything is to be able to hold my head high and place my work on the wall for the critique, knowing that what I am sharing is truly from my heart. And so, it cannot matter what people have to say, or how they may put down my work, as long as I know it was an idea and emotion that I felt and wanted to depict.

In the end it does not matter what others think, who do you really have but yourself?

The Beauty and the Beast

I started a sketch for this last weekend and finally got to finish it today. Yesterday was so much fun. I had the house all to myself and watched a Pirates of the Caribbean marathon and worked on this and another painting.

It feels so good to be painting again! This is done mostly in watercolor, with pencil and colored pencils. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that the cheap bristol board paper I bought held up rather well with watercolors.

I really decided to do this painting a few months ago when I saw Jean Cocteau's "La Belle et La Bette". It was a gorgeous movie, with beautiful costumes and scenery. Beauty and the Beast is also my favorite Disney movie, it is actually the first movie I ever saw in theaters.

So, hopefully I will finish the next painting I am working on soon. I am having a lot of trouble with watercolors, it is so much harder to control than oil or acrylic, but I think there is such a beautiful delicate look about watercolors. I hope to improve, I consider this painting as practice.

I think that one day I will do a painting of Beauty and the Beast in oils, and really go for a realistic look.

Broken Dollies

My mother has been getting together a lot of her antiques to sell at a flea market this Sunday. These dolls were in my house growing up and used to frighten me very much, but now I think they are beautiful.

I asked her if I could have them and she said yes. I am having fun photographing them. I find their eyes so amazing and lifelike.

I have to think of names for them...

I am excited for the flea market!

a bit of a recluse....

In the past few months that I have been alone and without a boyfriend or close friendship I have realized something. I always knew I was an introvert, but I don't believe I ever realized just how much so. I have not been alone in 3 years, and now 20 years old and I am just starting to find myself. I have known for long now that time alone is VITAL for me. Lately I have been talking to friends less and less, and retreating to my room to be alone. But I am not sad! I am filled with joy, nothing fuels me like time alone. Whether I am in the garden photographing butterflies, in my room listening to music, painting, flipping through art books and fairytales, it is so close to this peaceful feeling that I want to attain. But I cannot shake this slight feeling of guilt, guilt for not being sociable. I do not want people to think that I do not like them, it is just that my time is so valuable to me. Spending too much time with others exhausts me. I cannot explain it. I know that I am not bad for needing to be alone, yet I feel like I am.

I feel like the society I live in (American) puts a lot of pressure on people to live a more extroverted lifestyle.

All I know is that without time alone I cannot create, or be inspired/ motivated enough to do anything.

I want to learn how to accept myself for having reclusive tendencies, and how to balance it with friendship. Where is the happy medium? I do not want to find myself all alone in the end. Really I do have the (perhaps naive?) dream of finding a man to be my companion, perhaps marry and have children. I want love, I do not really desire to spend my life in solitude.

I guess I just need to make friends with people who enjoy being alone as well. And one day, if he ever comes.....prince charming will have to be rather independent and full of passions like I am. That way we can both go off and do our thing, but always come back feeling energized and ready to share.

Does anyone else feel this way? I know it's not just me.

-Kamille

A New Idea

I never thought to make a blog before, but after viewing several artists blogs I have decided that this might be the perfect thing for me. I want a place to store my ideas, inspirations, and my artwork. I find so often that ideas come to me and then disappear. Even if I manage to write them down, I always seem to loose the paper or the book. Here I plan to write those things. I hope that this will make it easier for me to stay on track and not loose sight of all that I want to create and feel. This is more for me than anyone else, I do not expect many people to watch, but if they do it would be a lovely bonus.

I started sharing my art online on a website called Elfwood. I was 13 years old when I made my account. When I was 15 I discovered deviantart and have been posting there for 5 years now. Still, I long for a space my own to share more and to write more. This will be like a journal/scrapbook except in digital form.

I don't know what will come of this, maybe I will keep posting, maybe someone will happen upon this and get something too. I hope it turns out well!

For now it is an experiment.

-Kamille